You still had all of me
by Holdontohope
Summary: My version of a Funeral episode. NOTE:  Themes of self-harm and suicidal actions are in here.  If this topic triggers you, please don't read.
1. Chapter 1

My version of a Funeral episode.

NOTE: Themes of self-harm and suicidal actions are in here. If this topic triggers you, please don't read.

It was the day after prom, and Santana was sitting lonely in her room. She couldn't believe prom had been so disappointing. No prom queen, no dancing with Brittany, no spiked punch. She hadn't even gone to an after party because of fear she would drink too much. And Brittany would be there, and she couldn't be with her.

The loneliness had seeped into the next day. Her parents were out of town for the weekend. The old Santana would have had a wild party, but she didn't feel like it. She didn't even feel like moving, eating, and breathing. Was this depression?

She checked her phone, nothing. No one cared.

Santana walked into the bathroom and stared into the mirror at her face. She burst into tears, so confused and ashamed of who she was, on so many levels. She took out her lipstick and wrote "bitch" "fake" "lesbian" "monster" "scared" "lonely" in lipstick. As she stared looking at the mirror she collapsed into the ground crying. As she lay on the floor, she stared into space and then focused on her bottom drawer. Her medicine drawer. She opened it up and pulled out the bottle of ibprofuen. It had about 20 pills in stared at them and then went to the sink and chugged the pills, and then filled the bottle with water to swallow them.

What was the point of writing a note, no one cared.

As she lay on the ground, she closed her eyes and waited. All she saw was Brittany's face.s

I am working on chapter 2 now


	2. Chapter 2

NOTE: Themes of self-harm and suicidal actions are in here. If this topic triggers you, please don't read.

Chapter 2

Brittany felt bad that prom didn't go well for Santana. Even though she had tried to fake having fun with Dave, Brittany knew the smile on her face wasn't real. She decided to go over to see Santana and see if she wanted to do something today.

Brittany walked the two short blocks over to Santana's house. She knocked and rang the bell several times, no one answered. Brittany was confused as Santana's car was there. She hesitated, and then tried to open the door, it was unlocked.

"Santana? It's Brittany." She called into the house. After getting no response, she walked up the stairs to see Santana's room. Empty. Maybe she was in the shower, she walked towards the bathroom and froze. First she saw the mirror, with hateful words scrawled on it. Trying to avert her eyes, she looked to the ground and saw something worse.

"Santana, Santana, oh my gosh, please be ok." Brittany said crying and dropping down to Santana's side. She caught sight of an empty pill bottle. Santana was moaning, "Britt, Britt."

"I'm right here baby, hang on I am going to get an ambulance." Brittany said hysterically.

"I love you; I'm sorry, have a good life with Artie." Santana muttered

"NO! Don't talk like that! You are going to stay alive, and you are going to grow old with me. Fight this Santana, stay with me." Brittany said with words she didn't know she had in her.

Tears formed in Santana's eyes as Brittany leaned forward to kiss her, as she dialed 9-1-1.

Brittany lay down, holding Santana in her arms.

"B, I'm so tired, so tired"

"Stay with me, just a little longer, please."

"What's the point. No one will miss me. No one cares." Santana moaned, looking away from Brittany.

"That is so not true. I care and I will miss you. Your family will. Glee will. Your beard will miss you. People love you."

"No they don't, I see the way they look at me. With contempt. Everyone, except you. But I'm not good enough for you. I'm a monster." Santana whispered.

"You are not a monster, you have had a rough couple years. I know the real you, the one you hide. You are so beautiful inside and outside. And you are my soul mate. And you are more than good enough for me, you are perfect for me. I wish you could see yourself as I see you. Beautiful. Strong. Confident. Talented. Sexy. Perfect." Brittany said never taking her eyes off Santana.

"I love you B, if I make it through this, I am not going to hide any longer."

"Don't say if, you will make it."

"I took a lot of pills….I'm so sleepy."

Brittany heard the ambulance pull up.

"Stay with me, please, they are here." Brittany begged.

"I love you, B, forever." Santana said and closed her eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Santana, don't leave!" Brittany cried as the EMS rushed into the room. Brittany moved out of their way, sobbing.

The EMS pulled out a crash cart. They attempted to get Santana going. Nothing. They tried again. Nothing.

They tried the third time, and it worked. She was alive-faintly, but alive.

Brittany was in a haze as the EMS secured her for transport.

"What the hell?" She heard a voice in the hallway. It was Quinn who lived two doors down. She took sight of the scene, and immediately embraced Brittany.

"She tried to kill herself Q, she almost died. "Brittany sobbed.

Quinn took in Santana being worked on by the EMS, and looked at the mirror, and she began sobbing as well.

"I'll drive us to the hospital," Quinn said as they followed the EMS out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

NOTE: Themes of self-harm and suicidal actions are in here. If this topic triggers you, please don't read.

Chapter 3: The Hospital

Brittany and Quinn had been sitting in the waiting room of the hospital for about an hour. Santana's parents were still on the way back, driving as quickly as they could. The girls hadn't called anyone else yet as they weren't sure how many people Santana wanted to know.

"Miss Pierce," a nurse that had helped checked Santana in, came out to find them. Brittany and Quinn stood up.

"Your friend is stabilized; she will have to stay at least overnight. She is asking for you, we will let you go in briefly, please be positive and gentle, she has been through a lot."

"Go on B, I will wait out here for her parents." Quinn encouraged her.

As Brittany followed the nurse back to Santana's room, she thought about what she should say, what she could possibly say at a moment like this. The nurse left her at the door, and Brittany paused and took a deep breath before entering.

Santana was hooked up to a few machines, and she had her eyes closed. Brittany kissed her gently on the forehead and held her hand. Santana's eyes fluttered open, and they immediately started filling with tears.

"Britt, I'm so sorry you had to see me like that." She whispered.

"Shhh sweetie, I'm just glad I found you when I did."

"Thank you for being there for me and helping me….I love you. Even if we can't be together, and I have to let you go, I love you."

"You don't have to let me go. Ever. I want to be with you, I want to help you get through this." Brittany said placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Santana smiled at her and started scooting over.

"Please B, I need you to hold me." Brittany crawled into bed and gently held Santana in her arms. They laid there for a while reflecting on the day.

The door creaked open and Santana's parents tiptoed on, their faces filled with concern. Santana saw her parents and smiled weakly at them.

"I can leave you guys alone too talk," Brittany said awkwardly.

"No, please stay. I need you here." Santana requested. Brittany nodded and stayed put.

"What happened, dear?" Mrs. Lopez asked, as she came to her side, holding her hand with Mr. Lopez close behind.

"I took a bunch of pills because I was mad at myself. It was really stupid."

"Sweetie, I wish you would have told us before it got to that point, I wish we could have been there for you." Mr. Lopez said touching Santana's check affectionly.

"I know, I wish I would have been strong enough to tell you. But I need to tell you something now, because otherwise you will see it written in lipstick on my mirror when you get home. "Santana paused, looking at Brittany, who nodded encouragingly. "Mom, Dad. I'm in love with Brittany."

Mr. and Mrs. Lopez exchanged glances, smiling. "We know. We have guessed for about 4 years now."

"What? Why didn't you say anything?" Santana said, in shock.

"Because we knew you would tell us in your own time. I just wish we would have talked to you about it, too let you know how much we love you and accept you for who you are." Mrs. Lopez said gently.

Santana couldn't hold back the tears. "So you aren't going to kick me out or yell at me?"

"No way, we are your biggest fans." Mr. Lopez said smiling.

A knock came on the door and the doctor entered, and introduced himself to Santana's parents.

"I have a few things I would like to talk to you all about, if this is an appropriate time." The doctor stated.

Mr. and Mrs. Lopez nodded. Santana held tightly on to Brittany's hand.

"Physically she is fine and I don't suspect any long term effects. She was lucky that this young lady found her so quickly and got help in time." Santana squeezed Brittany's hand. "However, emotionally I am greatly concerned. This young lady needs services to help her get past this bump in the road. Our standard procedure is to recommend a week of intensive inpatient care, with a referral from us or a place of your choosing. I know this is difficult, but I believe in your daughter and I want to see her move forward from this." The doctor said gently. Santana sobbed, knowing he was right, but hating what it meant. She was broken. Brittany held her tightly and kissed her cheek.

"I know this is hard S, but he is right. They can help you get your feet on the ground. And once your feet are on the ground I will sweep you off your feet with sweet lady kisses." Brittany whispered.

"If it is ok, there is a place I have heard of that I would like her to go to. It is up by Lake Erie." Mr. Lopez said.

"I have heard great things about that facility, it is top notch and they go behind typical therapy, and groups. They do massages, nature walks, campfires, organic meals, things to really re-kindle one's spirit." The doctor said.

"Massages?" Santana asked, in disbelief.

"Yep, only the best for my girl." Mr. Lopez said, as Santana's eyes filled with tears. It was going to be hard being away from everyone but she needed to do it. And she would come back stronger, and ready to be with Brittany.


	4. Chapter 4

C.4-Expression

Santana was at Day 2 of the Clinic. While she was thrilled with the place her father picked out—it was chic and also helpful, she missed Brittany so much that it hurt some days. She spent lots of time daydreaming about her hair, her face, her lips….She couldn't wait to get back to Lima.

Meanwhile, back at McKinley, a Glee club session was meeting. Yesterday had been hard as Mr. S filled them in on Santana's situation. Brittany had been a wreck listening to it again, and thinking about Santana, being alone and being vulnerable. She just wanted to hug her and tell her everything will be alright.

"Alright everyone, I know this has been a rough few days. I know we all may have lots of feeling about this situation, and I think the best way to express it is through song. Most of us will perform this week. I will write Santana and let her know about it and she could perform next week when she gets back if she would like." Mr. S said and the club murmured their approval.

Santana got her mail two days later to find a note from Mr, S. She almost grinned as she read it. She had a perfect song, one she'd been playing on her ipod constantly the last week or so.

Meanwhile, in Glee, Brittany prepared to sing her song.

"It was hard for me to pick a song. This one expressed the pain I was going through, but also the love and the sadness."

_I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
>And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave<br>Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<em>

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me<em>

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
>Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind<br>Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
>Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me<em>

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
>There's just too much that time cannot erase<em>

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me<em>

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
>But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along<em>

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears<br>And I held your hand through all of these years  
>But you still have all of me, me, me<em>

Brittany finished with teary eyes. It felt like such an amazing release of all the pain she had held in, at the thought of losing Santana. The majority of the Glee club was in tears as well. Quinn came forward and embraced Brittany, and others did as well. Brittany sobbed harder, feeling the love of her friends.

It was the next Monday and Santana was back at school. She hesitated as she walked to the door. There were already stares, but not the "you are gay" rude stares. The stares of pity and concern. Santana wasn't used to those looks and it made her almost want to turn around. She felt a hand grasp her hand. She looked up to see Brittany gazing at her.

"B, I…I…missed you." Santana finally choked out, tears forming in her eyes.

"Ditto. So much." Brittany said embracing her.

They walked down the hall to class together.

Somehow Santana made it through the day and prepared to go to Glee club. Mr. S let her start the club off.

"I want to thank everyone for everything." Santana started softly. "I have been so mean to all of you, but you showed my kindness in my darkest hour and for that I will be ever grateful." Santana paused as she felt the tears coming. "What I did was stupid and selfish, a horrible way to cry for help. Laying there afterwards I knew I didn't want to die. I don't want to leave Britt, my family, my friends. If anyone ever feels like they get to that point, please talk to me or someone. It is just…." Santana said, but her tears caught up with her. Brittany got up and gently embraced her and whispered soothing words to her. Santana nodded and Brittany went to sit down.

"This was a song I have listened to for about 2 weeks and it really expresses everything. I hope I have strength to get through it."

_I open my eyes  
>I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light<br>I can't remember how  
>I can't remember why<br>I'm lying here tonight_

_And I can't stand the pain  
>And I can't make it go away<br>No I can't stand the pain_

_How could this happen to me  
>I made my mistakes<br>I've got nowhere to run  
>The night goes on<br>As I'm fading away  
>I'm sick of this life<br>I just wanna scream  
>How could this happen to me<em>

_Everybody's screaming  
>I try to make a sound but no one hears me<br>I'm slipping off the edge  
>I'm hanging by a thread<br>I wanna start this over again_

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered  
>And I can't explain what happened<br>And I can't erase the things that I've done  
>No I can't<em>

_How could this happen to me  
>I made my mistakes<br>I've got nowhere to run  
>The night goes on<br>As I'm fading away  
>I'm sick of this life<br>I just wanna scream  
>How could this happen to me<br>_

Santana finished and collapsed sobbing on the floor. Britt was the first one too her, she was sobbing as well and embraced Santana and gave her a gentle kiss. She felt others gathering around her as well, soft pats on the back, strokes on her hair. She looked up and found the entire Glee club surrounding her, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

_I would greatly appreciate reviews. __J_


	5. Chapter 5

C.5-Hope

It was the following week in Glee. Santana was still not feeling 100% but she was doing better with the help of her family, friends and Brittany.

"Alright Glee, we are going to do something we have not yet done." Mr.S announced

"Is there a Journey song we forgot?" Puck asked.

"A spiritual?" questioned Mercedes

"An epic solo for me?" Rachel asked eagerly.

"No, No, and NO." Mr. S paused "DISNEY!" There were excited shrieks from about everyone. "Two days and then you perform, get to work!"

***  
>On Wednesday, Brittany surprised everyone by being the first to raise her hand. "This is from a classic, Pete's Dragon. It is a beautiful song, and I dedicate to my beautiful girlfriend." Brittany said, making Santana blush.<p>

_I'll be your candle on the water  
>My love for you will always burn<br>I know you're lost and drifting  
>But the clouds are lifting<br>Don't give up you'll have somewhere to turn_

_I'll be your candle on the water  
>'Till ev'ry wave is warm and bright<br>My soul is there beside you  
>Let this candle guide you<br>Soon you'll see a golden stream of light_

_A cold and friendless tide has found you  
>Don't let the stormy darkness pull you down<em>_  
><em>_I'll paint a ray of hope around you  
>Circling in the air<br>Lighted by a prayer_

_I'll be your candle on the water  
>This flame inside of me will grow<br>Keep holding on you'll make it  
>Here's my hand so take it <em>Brittany walked forward to Santana, grasping her hand._  
><em>_Look for me reaching out to show  
>As sure as rivers flow<br>I'll never let you go  
>I'll never let you go<br>I'll never let you go..._

Santana sighed out of pure love and adoration for Brittany. Her eyes glazed over and she forgot everyone was in the room as she stood up and passionately kissed Brittany. It must have been a minute or two, and then Puck started hooting, which reminded the girls of where they are.

On the rest of Wednesday and Thursday the rest of Glee performed. As they ran out of time on Thursday only Santana was left to go for Friday.

Santana stepped in front of her friends and paused, trying to remember to breathe.

"About a week ago I sang a song of deep pain, hurt, regret and anger. This past week through songs and actions you all have given me hope and reminded me of…joy." Santana said, her voice catching over the word, trying not to tear up. "This song is from Tangled," she paused as Rachel squealed. "This song is for Brittany, for being my lantern in the dark." Santana nodded to Brad, who began playing.

_All those days watching from the windows  
>All those years outside looking in<br>All that time never even knowing  
>Just how blind I've been<br>Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight  
>Now I'm here, suddenly I see<br>Standing here, it's all so clear  
>I'm where I'm meant to be<em>

_And at last I see the light  
>And it's like the fog has lifted<br>And at last I see the light  
>And it's like the sky is new<br>And it's warm and real and bright  
>And the world has somehow shifted<br>All at once everything looks different  
>Now that I see you<em>

_All those days chasing down a daydream  
>All those years living in a blur<br>All that time never truly seeing  
>Things, the way they were<em>_  
><em>_Now she's here shining in the starlight  
>Now she's here, suddenly I know<br>If she's here it's crystal clear  
>I'm where I'm meant to go<em>

_  
><em>_And at last I see the light__  
><em>_And it's like the fog is lifted  
>And at last I see the light<br>And it's like the sky is new__  
><em>_And it's warm and real and bright  
>And the world has somehow shifted<br>All at once, everything is different  
>Now that I see you, now that I see you<em>

Santana ended the song, and re-focused her moist eyes. Brittany was smiling, with a few tears rolling down her face. Santana held her gaze, no words were needed, their hearts knew the depths of their love for each other

_I would greatly appreciate reviews. __J__ I am still trying to decide if the story ends here or goes on._


	6. Chapter 6

That is it for this story-but I have several other stories I am working on so check them out.


End file.
